because change is the only constant

" But it got too hard..."

"Well if it isn't hard then everyone would be doing it.
The hard is what makes you a cut above the rest"

It's my mother's birthday today and because i'm sucha gundu daughter,
i seriously thought it was on the 10th until my dad reminded me yesterday.
So since that raspberry white choc cheesecake i was planning to get for her
which i know she will love it so much needs to be ordered 3 days in advance,
i resorted to just giving her a peck on the cheek and spent dinner with her
talking about when i will start doing household chores and the interesting
cake recipes she read in the cook book earlier today. Oh and she baked herself
blueberry cheesecake. Omg, okay okay, i will get for her a slice of that
raspberry cheesecake soon.

Today I assumed the role of a supportive girlfriend quite well.
He wanted his girlfriend to be smiling and not crying when he goes off
and he got just that! =D

It's not because i'm not sad to see him off.
We didn't even get to say a proper goodbye or have a proper hug
because everyone was there. All i had before he went off was a mumbled
"call you later. take care" Abit sad, but i understand the situation.

So all i have to hang on to now are the frequent times we went on dates before he left.
Not those drama-nonsense from the girlfriend kind that will leave us wondering
why we fought in the first place and wishing the day to end in a better way.
But those high-spirited ones where i irritate him until he squeezed my wrist so hard
i swear it will break. And sneaking hugs and kisses on the forehead when we think
no one is watching.

I know i will miss you alot soon, but right now, i do not.
I have too many moments from the last few days, they keep me warm and fuzzy inside.
The lonely nights will come, and we may soon be too busy for daily calls/contact.
It will be like a constant heartache, going about with my life and thinking that
you are so far away.

But i have beautiful friends helping me cope,
School that has been treating me well much so that i look forward to it,
Family who cheers me up every dinnertime and
God who has blessed me with so many other wonderful things.

I hope you will settle in fast and adapt to the new environment.
And be on the roll of getting great results your family and I will be proud of.
Things probably will get rough occasionally, but hey, whoever said it wouldn't be
tough even if you were here in Singapore. Three years is too far of a uncertain future
to make sense of, we will take small steps, 9 months to go;
approximately 270days apart. Doesn't seem too frightening, right?

I was looking through my inbox and unfortunately had to read this ON MY BDAE when it was sent on the day before. Talk about excellent adrenaline pumping 'present' one can ever get. It got me shivering in anger for a whole 10 minutes when i was supposed to be studying for stats. So anw, it says (copied and pasted in exact form, no alternation, caps and all, mind you):

P.S ... WHY THE HELL WOULD U WANNA TALK TO ALI ABT ME? IF U ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME...U CAN JUST ASK MY NUMBER AND FUCK ME UP AND PROTECT UR BOYFRIEND...READ THIS CONVERSATION I HAD WITH RAIMI...AND I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE...I PRAY that u are super damn happy....MY ISSUE WITH HIM IS NON OF UR BUSINESS BUT SINCE U WANNA GET INVOLVED...I'LL LET U GET INVOLVED...and lastly...u may think i am a coward..BUT I WAS THE ONE THAT TALK TO UR BOYFRIEND FIRST...AND I DONT LIE.

Well so much of wanting to delete him completely from our lives. But this seriously calls for something.
I am going to call him tmr.

So, you are not happy seeing Raimi and I happy is it? So you think its inappropriate for me to talk to Ali about the situation because I find you are too childish and vulgar to speak to, much less lack of vocabulary to express your rage. But it's okay for you to publish on FB and MSN countless times about how my bf is a 'bastard' and 'should just die'. These insults are of course one of the less offensive ones you used. I mean sure it started as Raimi's problem and yours, but do you think I would stay low, just watching you say such nasty things to someone i love? Of course you are so full of anger you probably do not understand why i got myself involved, my need to protect my bf who, for God knows what reason, would prefer to take a 'controlled aggression' strategy to resolve this. He thinks sooner or later you will tire yourself out, but noooo, you seem to have an unfathomable anger towards us.

You guys used to be the best of friends. And when i came into the picture, i stole him away from you and ali. How's that? Because you found out on some occasions that he lied to you guys to meet me instead. You keep whining about how he spends most of his very limited time with me, and no time for you. yea, boo hoo. So he prefers to spend his time with his goodgirl gf as opposed to going drinking and chasing after chicks with you. Am i wrong to question his better judgment? Please stop being so jealous and MOVE ON. Don't sulk and refuse his invitations to play soccer together when he actually makes time for you.

In your last convo, you told him you regard him as your big brother. Yes, after all the FUCK YOUs and YOU CAN GO AND DIEs and I HOPE YOU ROT IN MANCHESTERs directed at him, seriously i sense so much respect you have for him.

For the times you roped in my bf's help to lie to your mum so that you can have a wild night out with the boys, you say you don't lie? Lying to friends is not as big a sin as lying to your parents the last time i checked, so that makes you a bigger liar than Raimi.

Yes, you ARE a coward because just out of the blue you insult us using FB and MSN, and you're the one to say, 'if you got problem with me, talk to me personally ah'. And you're a coward to continue insulting us just because we chose to not retaliate, and where else is a more fantastic way to air your dirty laundry. But today, i chose to write here despite knowing it is going against my belief because you have gone too far.

I hope after calling you later in the day you wll leave us alone and channel all that negative energy elsewhere because we really have had enough of you stalking our facebooks and leaving spiteful comments here and there. I'm sorry your life has become so miserable that the only thing that excites you is thinking of ways to aggravate us. And slam every general comment my bf makes about soccer into something personal. Go for anger management classes, search your soul, get a girlfriend, whatever help you need to get back on your own two feet plsthnx. Slamatz~

(P.S Hana i can never believe he's somewhat related to you!)

i need to repeatedly remind myself what he's doing this for.

=x

I'm not oozing with much positivity at the moment, and given this space,
i'd probably write some nonsensical drama;
about how he cowardly shot me dead without looking into my eyes,
but what good would it do, the damage is done.

Blair Waldorf did not get into Yale, despite her manipulative acts
to get her dream, she ended up in NYU.
But, life goes onnnn....


(with the help of Chuck Bass) yayy i love Season2 finale!

It's not a matter of settling for less, even if IT has been your dream all along.
It's a matter of making the best of what you've got.

hurrhurrr

My love, it is not our time yet, as you can see.
Surely, our day WILL come.
And when that happens, it will be wayy better than what they can offer now.
Overseas, i promise. =))

For now, gotta ace business management =((
wth business computing, organisational behaviour, accounting whaaaaat?

No more holding on to any thin strand of hope anymore for me please. Twice is enough.

First was the hope that maybe we may not have to go through 3 years apart.
The idea of having someone to travel home across the island with after a tiring day
of school is too nice and tempting that a teenie part of me may have wished for
another outcome. But that's not it, to think the slightest possibility that it could
happen, got me wishing that it really would. Then as soon as that tantalising dish was
served in front of me, it was taken back. boo.

Second was that i wish if you want to cut me off, do it fast and brisk.
You really shouldn't have made me wait this long. So long such that any chances
of me redeeming myself is gone now. Where is the justice in the system,
you tell me.

On top of that, i am currently jobless because the smart guys decide that it is absofuckingly
okay to replace English-speaking staff with those who cannot speak/read English, because
as we all know,one particular country in Asia is an upcoming superpower, so 99.99% of our
customers who happen to be Caucasians/non-Chinese speaking have to accomodate to HER.
This is so hilarious i don't know who i pity more, the staff or the customers. Probably those
replacing us, because  they'll be at the receiving end of all the customers' frustration in their
inability to have a decent conversation in the universal language.

It makes me think that really,  there's not much chances
for Singaporeans left in their home country, and it makes me really sad.
What, we have to seek refuge elsewhere now?

Actually i started this post with a positive outlook on things, that despite all these lemons life
threw/is throwing at me, i'm made of tougher stuff. But when it's all down in words like this,
it starts to feel otherwise.

Maybe it's not about me going through it alone.
I know i owe alot of it to the people who are helping me keep my sanity.

In my mind I had all the answers to impress.

But during the mock interview, it was as if I couldn't comprehend the questions,
I ended up giving bullsh* answers.

That mock interview made me realise just how badly I want this, it was too emotionally overwhelming.
Try fighting back tears in front of him, how truly embarassing.

My God, did a big part of my life actually revolve around this?
So yes, i did ask Ms Tang 5 years ago what exactly I'm in for.
But to think THAT was one big underlying reason as to why i am here right now is really going to kill me if i don't finish what I've started (and had been involved in for a loong while, too).


So I must.
I must slow down my thoughts.
In my head there is an interviewer and an interviewee speaking simultaneously it's damn fucking insane.
Ok hold on, i got this. Pen and paper, write the gist of it, and then elaborate and make it flowww.
And i must also research on articles about the subject so that i can throw in fun facts.

I was told, to show your passion, back up with things that you have done and things that you are going to do about it.
Have a vision. Show them that you want to change the world with this passion of yours.
OMG. how the hell!

I will start tomorrow because tonight had been a wound-opener.
And also because i haven't actually gotten an interview yet.
HAHA.
BUT i must be prepared.

GAWWD.