because change is the only constant

goals redefined

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:10:57 GMT

" But it got too hard..."

"Well if it isn't hard then everyone would be doing it.
The hard is what makes you a cut above the rest"

-from the movie A League of its Own

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:21:25 GMT

It's my mother's birthday today and because i'm sucha gundu daughter,
i seriously thought it was on the 10th until my dad reminded me yesterday.
So since that raspberry white choc cheesecake i was planning to get for her
which i know she will love it so much needs to be ordered 3 days in advance,
i resorted to just giving her a peck on the cheek and spent dinner with her
talking about when i will start doing household chores and the interesting
cake recipes she read in the cook book earlier today. Oh and she baked herself
blueberry cheesecake. Omg, okay okay, i will get for her a slice of that
raspberry cheesecake soon.

Happy 35th birthdayy ibu!
In reality you are older than that, but in my eyes u will always stay this
young. May you be blessed with happiness and health always. I admire the
truckloads of patience that you have in bringing us up, constantly surrounded
by 6 noisy children who are extremely pampered and spoilt. And the way you
manage the finances so well that we were able to live like a middle-income
family although we see your stress whenever it's nearing the end of the month,
because just how much can you stretch a $2200 pay for the survival of 8 people.
I love you so much and you are my role model because you sacrificed alot to
make all of us happy and at the same time, you are able to find joy in it.
And you show me that we don't need a degree or a high flying career to define
our happiness or success in life.

see you next june!

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:16:01 GMT

Today I assumed the role of a supportive girlfriend quite well.
He wanted his girlfriend to be smiling and not crying when he goes off
and he got just that! =D

It's not because i'm not sad to see him off.
We didn't even get to say a proper goodbye or have a proper hug
because everyone was there. All i had before he went off was a mumbled
"call you later. take care" Abit sad, but i understand the situation.

So all i have to hang on to now are the frequent times we went on dates before he left.
Not those drama-nonsense from the girlfriend kind that will leave us wondering
why we fought in the first place and wishing the day to end in a better way.
But those high-spirited ones where i irritate him until he squeezed my wrist so hard
i swear it will break. And sneaking hugs and kisses on the forehead when we think
no one is watching.

I know i will miss you alot soon, but right now, i do not.
I have too many moments from the last few days, they keep me warm and fuzzy inside.
The lonely nights will come, and we may soon be too busy for daily calls/contact.
It will be like a constant heartache, going about with my life and thinking that
you are so far away.

But i have beautiful friends helping me cope,
School that has been treating me well much so that i look forward to it,
Family who cheers me up every dinnertime and
God who has blessed me with so many other wonderful things.

I hope you will settle in fast and adapt to the new environment.
And be on the roll of getting great results your family and I will be proud of.
Things probably will get rough occasionally, but hey, whoever said it wouldn't be
tough even if you were here in Singapore. Three years is too far of a uncertain future
to make sense of, we will take small steps, 9 months to go;
approximately 270days apart. Doesn't seem too frightening, right?

I did not STEAL your bestfriend, You LOST yours.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 20:30:51 GMT

I was looking through my inbox and unfortunately had to read this ON MY BDAE when it was sent on the day before. Talk about excellent adrenaline pumping 'present' one can ever get. It got me shivering in anger for a whole 10 minutes when i was supposed to be studying for stats. So anw, it says (copied and pasted in exact form, no alternation, caps and all, mind you):

P.S ... WHY THE HELL WOULD U WANNA TALK TO ALI ABT ME? IF U ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME...U CAN JUST ASK MY NUMBER AND FUCK ME UP AND PROTECT UR BOYFRIEND...READ THIS CONVERSATION I HAD WITH RAIMI...AND I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE...I PRAY that u are super damn happy....MY ISSUE WITH HIM IS NON OF UR BUSINESS BUT SINCE U WANNA GET INVOLVED...I'LL LET U GET INVOLVED...and lastly...u may think i am a coward..BUT I WAS THE ONE THAT TALK TO UR BOYFRIEND FIRST...AND I DONT LIE.

Well so much of wanting to delete him completely from our lives. But this seriously calls for something.
I am going to call him tmr.

So, you are not happy seeing Raimi and I happy is it? So you think its inappropriate for me to talk to Ali about the situation because I find you are too childish and vulgar to speak to, much less lack of vocabulary to express your rage. But it's okay for you to publish on FB and MSN countless times about how my bf is a 'bastard' and 'should just die'. These insults are of course one of the less offensive ones you used. I mean sure it started as Raimi's problem and yours, but do you think I would stay low, just watching you say such nasty things to someone i love? Of course you are so full of anger you probably do not understand why i got myself involved, my need to protect my bf who, for God knows what reason, would prefer to take a 'controlled aggression' strategy to resolve this. He thinks sooner or later you will tire yourself out, but noooo, you seem to have an unfathomable anger towards us.

You guys used to be the best of friends. And when i came into the picture, i stole him away from you and ali. How's that? Because you found out on some occasions that he lied to you guys to meet me instead. You keep whining about how he spends most of his very limited time with me, and no time for you. yea, boo hoo. So he prefers to spend his time with his goodgirl gf as opposed to going drinking and chasing after chicks with you. Am i wrong to question his better judgment? Please stop being so jealous and MOVE ON. Don't sulk and refuse his invitations to play soccer together when he actually makes time for you.

In your last convo, you told him you regard him as your big brother. Yes, after all the FUCK YOUs and YOU CAN GO AND DIEs and I HOPE YOU ROT IN MANCHESTERs directed at him, seriously i sense so much respect you have for him.

For the times you roped in my bf's help to lie to your mum so that you can have a wild night out with the boys, you say you don't lie? Lying to friends is not as big a sin as lying to your parents the last time i checked, so that makes you a bigger liar than Raimi.

Yes, you ARE a coward because just out of the blue you insult us using FB and MSN, and you're the one to say, 'if you got problem with me, talk to me personally ah'. And you're a coward to continue insulting us just because we chose to not retaliate, and where else is a more fantastic way to air your dirty laundry. But today, i chose to write here despite knowing it is going against my belief because you have gone too far.

I hope after calling you later in the day you wll leave us alone and channel all that negative energy elsewhere because we really have had enough of you stalking our facebooks and leaving spiteful comments here and there. I'm sorry your life has become so miserable that the only thing that excites you is thinking of ways to aggravate us. And slam every general comment my bf makes about soccer into something personal. Go for anger management classes, search your soul, get a girlfriend, whatever help you need to get back on your own two feet plsthnx. Slamatz~

(P.S Hana i can never believe he's somewhat related to you!)

the greater good??

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:45:42 GMT

i need to repeatedly remind myself what he's doing this for.

=x

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 16:42:18 GMT

I'm not oozing with much positivity at the moment, and given this space,
i'd probably write some nonsensical drama;
about how he cowardly shot me dead without looking into my eyes,
but what good would it do, the damage is done.

Blair Waldorf did not get into Yale, despite her manipulative acts
to get her dream, she ended up in NYU.
But, life goes onnnn....

~~(with the help of Chuck Bass) yayy i love Season2 finale!~~

It's not a matter of settling for less, even if IT has been your dream all along.
It's a matter of making the best of what you've got.

hurrhurrr

My love, it is not our time yet, as you can see.
Surely, our day WILL come.
And when that happens, it will be wayy better than what they can offer now.
Overseas, i promise. =))

For now, gotta ace business management =((
wth business computing, organisational behaviour, accounting whaaaaat?

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:11:52 GMT

No more holding on to any thin strand of hope anymore for me please. Twice is enough.

First was the hope that maybe we may not have to go through 3 years apart.
The idea of having someone to travel home across the island with after a tiring day
of school is too nice and tempting that a teenie part of me may have wished for
another outcome. But that's not it, to think the slightest possibility that it could
happen, got me wishing that it really would. Then as soon as that tantalising dish was
served in front of me, it was taken back. boo.

Second was that i wish if you want to cut me off, do it fast and brisk.
You really shouldn't have made me wait this long. So long such that any chances
of me redeeming myself is gone now. Where is the justice in the system,
you tell me.

On top of that, i am currently jobless because the smart guys decide that it is absofuckingly
okay to replace English-speaking staff with those who cannot speak/read English, because
as we all know,one particular country in Asia is an upcoming superpower, so 99.99% of our
customers who happen to be Caucasians/non-Chinese speaking have to accomodate to HER.
This is so hilarious i don't know who i pity more, the staff or the customers. Probably those
replacing us, because they'll be at the receiving end of all the customers' frustration in their
inability to have a decent conversation in the universal language.

It makes me think that really, there's not much chances
for Singaporeans left in their home country, and it makes me really sad.
What, we have to seek refuge elsewhere now?

Actually i started this post with a positive outlook on things, that despite all these lemons life
threw/is throwing at me, i'm made of tougher stuff. But when it's all down in words like this,
it starts to feel otherwise.

Maybe it's not about me going through it alone.
I know i owe alot of it to the people who are helping me keep my sanity.

Why Am I in so Love with You GODDAMMIT!

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:56:21 GMT

In my mind I had all the answers to impress.

But during the mock interview, it was as if I couldn't comprehend the questions,
I ended up giving bullsh* answers.

That mock interview made me realise just how badly I want this, it was too emotionally overwhelming.
Try fighting back tears in front of him, how truly embarassing.

My God, did a big part of my life actually revolve around this?
So yes, i did ask Ms Tang 5 years ago what exactly I'm in for.
But to think THAT was one big underlying reason as to why i am here right now is really going to kill me if i don't finish what I've started (and had been involved in for a loong while, too).

So I must.
I must slow down my thoughts.
In my head there is an interviewer and an interviewee speaking simultaneously it's damn fucking insane.
Ok hold on, i got this. Pen and paper, write the gist of it, and then elaborate and make it flowww.
And i must also research on articles about the subject so that i can throw in fun facts.

I was told, to show your passion, back up with things that you have done and things that you are going to do about it.
Have a vision. Show them that you want to change the world with this passion of yours.
OMG. how the hell!

I will start tomorrow because tonight had been a wound-opener.
And also because i haven't actually gotten an interview yet.
HAHA.
BUT i must be prepared.

GAWWD.

your words don't stick

Fri, 15 May 2009 17:25:35 GMT

Over the last few days i have come to a painful conclusion that i do not need to have everyone in this word to like me. As much as i hate to have them talking behind our back and making baseless accusations, i realise that they don't actually matter to me at all. I am entitled to have my own opinions and if i have something i strongly believe in, I have the right let my thoughts be heard.

I don't think just because someone is higher in rank now can be excused for his rude behaviour just because he has 'more responsibilities to shoulder'.

[Oh, i have more problems to solve and the big bosses are giving me shit so that's why i can also be a jerk to you guys. I will come to store and pretend you guys are non-existent, not going to say a HI or to smile to you because you juniors are so unimportant. But then if there is a customer, i will call out the drinks and you jolly well make it for me. And if i see there is something not to my liking, i will start banging things around just to show you that i am angry, but i won't say what is wrong because i believe that we have telepathy that enable us to communicate without saying a word.] ---seriously what kind of logic is this. And you wonder why we are all resigning.

I am sorry for these 30 year-olds who seem to have forgotten what their mummy told them about basic courtesy. So who else would be the one to reinforce it better than their 19 year-old employee? She said she appreciates me telling her all these but she is a direct person. Well, direct and downright hurtful, she is. What the heck lah eh, at 1 year and 7 months, after three jobs, i can say i am already jaded and i don't think there is such a thing as a happy workplace.

ok next time i promise to find something positive at work and hope to post it here.

Until then, pls don't think that i steal. I did not steal money from the envelope.
Nor did i steal your best friend.

so peace outz*

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:52:29 GMT

" But like that you guys have a higher chance of losing each other "

How innocently said but painful all the same.

I figured if i can't stop it from happening,
i might as well get time to fast forward.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 13:24:07 GMT

So much has changed. On the surface, it's no longer
Gema Temasek, it's Semarak Temasek now.

And openhouse dikir barat won't be
"PBBMMRT here to make you happy-happy"

now it's gonna have to be
" PERSADAYU TJC here to make you happy-happy"

All i have to say is that thank god it's not PERBAYU.
Somehow PERBAYU sounds very girl leh.

On things that stayed the same...
Rebana sounds like a baldi as ever.
We are still deprived of an anak rebana so they used kompangs.
It is very sad, you know.

And it's interesting to see how each batch leaves a trademark in
sri kandi temasek's performances as the year passes by.

For 06/07 batch would be
"Dikir cool what, Dikir cool what."
But no one else can pull it off with the same attitude that
Dilly and Maryam had. Whoo, such memories =)

On other news,
i can now understand why Ilyana wants to help out in SJAB
even after years leaving the organisation.

i miss dikir like madness. For the next few days, I'll be having a compulsive disorder
in which i will do some dikir steps in the middle of nowhere so if you think this is
too embarassing, you are excused from meeting me until i have recovered. thank you.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:54:48 GMT

situation's a-okay now.

If you don't know what's bitter,
you can't taste the sweetness.

- Ilyana Nabilah

I almost forgot how good it feels like to be laughing out loud.
dumdeedum.
Thank you Ilyana, Fatin & Asri.

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:12:55 GMT

are you okay
you look like a shahidah under depression

- Glad Wong

oh, you have no idea.

food poisoned

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 09:27:30 GMT

As i don my jacket to get ready to meet Fifa at Bedok today, i saw this on the sleeve:

Thankfully i managed to see it in time before i step out of the house.
Funnily i don't remember having it there at all, although i can guess how come it was there.

A hellish night it was.
I'm fairly accustomed to various illnesses and food poisoning is one of them.
But this is food poisoning on a whole new level/scale.

So the last meal was the previous day's lunch and i had wanted to fast,
but eventually did not because i didn't eat my pre-fast meal and mummy
bought indian rojak from geylang for lunch. And damn did i gobble
down one whole plateful coz i was feeling ravenous. So everyone in the
family ate too. Around midnight, my tummy began to feel unwell and it
was all downhill from there.

I never quite believed our body is 70% water, nope, not until this day.
It was diarrhoea, vomit, stomach pain, diarrhoea, vomit, stomach pain
and diarrhoea and vomit and stomach pain.

It was really scary, like a domino effect, one by one of us started to fall sick.
For 5 hours, in the midst of trying to endure the excruciating stomach pains,
i hear my siblings vomiting, crying out of pain and asking my parents
to massage their stomach.

I guess i ate the most, so i was worst hit. I kept telling my dad to go
to the hospital but he was trying to wait until GP is open coz it will
cost lesser then. But it was hell too unbearable. By the time i reached
CGH A&E, i had to be wheelchaired from the taxi to the consultation
room. I went with my dad and my youngest sister because she being small
and the only food she ate was basically milk and the rojak, she sure vomitted
alot. At the consultation room, she was too weak to respond to the
doctor that he thought she had collapsed. My dad panicked for 10 seconds
until she stirred up from her sleep. And during that 10 seconds, i was really
praying she was alive and will open her eyes.

We're thankful that all of us have recovered although we have occasional
slight abdominal pains and headaches, but we are fine. Mum said we've
got to be thankful to God too, because she ate the rojak and did not fall ill one
bit. Shows that God is fair, if he wants the six of the children to fall ill,
at least the parents are well and able to take care of us.

I reached home today and mummy said there's a call from ministry of.....

My heart really skipped a beat, because i was waiting for her to finish
it off with 'Education". Coz u know, im still waiting for THE call or sms.

But it was from Health, i think. And they called me up to investigate about
the food poisoning case. Investigations are still on-going, but one lady has
died and another just got into coma. I'm following the news about this closely
and i really want to know what actually happened. And i hope for the rest who
were affected that they get speedy recovery.

signed, sealed, delivered.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:10:28 GMT

one stack of documents, two personal essays, an a4 brown paper envelope
and two local stamps.

this is it.

Word in town is that SMSes are being sent out to those shortlisted
for an interview.
I get SMSes so rarely these days that every sound of a message received
makes my heart skip a beat.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:35:13 GMT

Current state:
75% contented with my life because
a) i know eventually i will get what's best.
b) i get to do permanent morning shift. So come ppl, ask me out
for afternoon dates.

I alighted at the bus stop further away so that i get to buy Old Changs
and won't have to climb that overhead bridge.

And seriously, 3bux for 2 Sotong OnStiks?? pbfft.

One-hour lepak with Pei Fen and Mani about whats-_____-shit of an
education system we have here helps.

What's the Calling?

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:26:06 GMT

this just in from NYP.

My Ever-changing Ambitions:
(not in order of preference)

Geologist
Archaeologist
Geography teacher
Geography lecturer
~~Occupational therapist~~
Entrepreneur
CEO of Maybank
General Manager of Popeye's
Housewife homemaker
Entrepreneur
..........(not exhaustive)

lalalalalala.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:02:32 GMT

Tmr is my off day and i will be spending time before dinner alone,
but i have planned my day already.

~~Gym/Jog at the park: whichever works to my liking tmr morning.~~

And a visit to the library or that Islamic bookstore at Arab Street,
wherever i can find some books on Islam.

My sudden spurt of religiousness is because i realise that i
should be equipped with an arsenal of honest and correct answers,
just in case someone shoots me with a question about my religion.

Sure, i've learned much going madrasah up until sec 4.
But most of it, truthfully is just Rawaidah, Basirah, Fatin NurIzzah
and I gossiping at the back. And seriously, i don't think its a good
idea to have the girls and boys seated separately that way, because
it gives the boys/girls a full display of who's getting cuter on the other
side of the narrow aisle. HA-HA. ok, but that was back then ok.

Back to the point, the other time Aini and I were talking to this 30-yr old
Australian guy and after comparing how different our lifestyles were,
he must have thought we were quite knowledgeable about islam.

And so he asked, 'What do you personally think about Jihad?'

I looked at Aini and she pretended not to hear and Casley was looking
AT ME for an answer. Shit, i thought.
You can ask me simple things about the 5 pillars of Islam and i can answer
quite confidently,
but why do you ask a 19-yr old who lives in a fairytale and thinks
she's a born princess such a complex question.

So to save myself from embarrassment, claiming to be a Muslim
and not knowing much about Jihad which is what the whole world is
associating Islam to, i said

"I'd like to think Jihad is something you fight for on a personal level.
Radicals would go past that and incorporate violence into the idea,
But for me, it is a fight for what you believe in. I believe that drinking,
premarital sex and everything the Quran states to be sins, and so
Jihad to me is fighting the devil in me and all these vices"

Like, i hope it was a diplomatic enough answer, but i think
he was really impressed. Like REALLY. I think he has never heard
of this side of Jihad that i was telling him about.

But truth be told, it was ripped off this Hindi movie i watched years ago.
Anyone heard of Fanaa will probably see similarities in 'my idea' and what was
written in the movie script.

Haha movies taught me alot okay. Like from Dirty Dancing, i got to know
Fidel Castro is/was the leader of some Latin American country.
Shit, not enough that my general knowldge is so small like kutu,
my memory is failing me now.

But essentially, i did speak from my heart, telling him what i feel being
a Muslim is about. Although I still have ALOT to learn. His dad is a Muslim
convert btw, but Casley is a freethinker. He taught me somestuffs about having faith, though.
And about living life to the fullest (tho i don't quite agree on his flamboyant lifestyle),
but you know, things like bungee-jumping and sky-diving is a must-do.

aini. casley bulan cheng (cool name or what, he is aware bulan is moon in malay, and he is 100%Aussie). me

ohh and aini's excited that her self-proclaimed hot Aussie bf Sean Barry MIGHT BE coming this July. hahah transit is very funn.

Mt Redoubt (Alaska) erupted 5 times overnight.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:50:27 GMT

If i had written this at 10am this morning, it would be full of angst,
but after retelling the story to about 8 people after the incident,
i have since ran out of steam.

So today needs to be recorded because the last time my body
shook with this much massive rage was about two years ago
when i scolded the guys JK for being such assholes blah bla blah.
Of course that time was baaad with all of us pointing fingers at
each other and spewing bloody profanities in front of Cikgu Yanti
at the study area. But this is equally bad because Freddie was asking for it,
big time.

Freddie, fyi, is the biggest bully that walk the face of T1 transit.
He was crowned so the day my YOUNGER sister had to stand up for me,
threatening him,
" if you bully my sister, i will kill you "
I have such a sweet sister who looks out for me at work.
But thats not the point. I'm the elder one and i can't as much say
" Go fuck off Freddie " and worst, bought him toast in a bid
to appease him so that he will be nice to me for the whole time
we do morning shift together.

And since then, he thinks that i'm his bloody free breakfast delivery.

Other days i endured his 'Shahidah, go office now. Shahidah. go peel oranges'
But HO-NO, not today man.
I said you can't eat my Oreos means you can't freaking eat my Oreos.

It's not the qn of whether i have loaded myself with enough carbs to make wraps, fruit salad
and cut fruits ALONE for the whole shift coz i was posted with the new girl, i just couldn't
understand whyyy u can't even afford yourself breakfast, or just food for that matter, when you
are paid more than us. Just go back to Phillipines will you and while you're at it, bring the Christian songs you have in your phone with you. I'm not being anti-Christians, i'm just saying not everyone appreciates such music esp when i'm not Christian and you play the songs so loud it can be heard from 13metres away.

Fuhh.

I think he was surprised to see me explode like that.
I would have laughed at his face if i wasn't so angry.

*This is for the time you made Sithi cry for an hr in the toilet and refuuused to apologise and said you will make her cry 'until she no more tears'
*This is for the time you kept asking Aini to mop the floor, throw the rubbish etc, just because.
*This is for yesterday you ~~took~~ snatched my sister's food, stuffed it into your forever hungry mouth,
had crumbs all over the floor she just swept, and still had the audacity to ask her to sweep it again.

Screw you, Freddie.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 12:50:54 GMT

Sitting in my room the whole day doing absolutely nothing
gives me alot of crazy ideas.

Why was i not born stupidly rich or insanely smart?

That way i can marry now and study in UK with my love.

Orr i can do just that and be heavily in debt in the end.

The last choice isn't that bad, right?

hmmmmmmmmm.....

edited @ 1.05am: i realised it was never up to me to decide.

i'm not letting go just yet.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 08:38:39 GMT

It was 2am,
feels just like i've lost all my friends.

If someone were to look at my hands now, he will see it's a disgusting canvas
of rashes and scratches and numerous work-related injuries. It used to be
just rashes, you know, before i got all clumsy at work with the knives and the
broken mop. Back then, Farha told me that it will get better, that the rashes
will disappear soon. But looks like it only got worse.

"Farha, i think we're drifting apart."
"And whose fault is that?"
I'd like to answer her question with a "it's yours" just because
it's always in me to believe that i'm not the wrong. But i know it's
the both of us, plus evil circumstances.
To think that the only thing that had built our close friendship over the
years was being in the same school is just sad. Maybe things will get better
when i'm in school and we can study at McCafe every weekend like how it
was just a year ago;

but- look at my hands now!

Whenever there's Farha, there's Ilyana, because it's never complete if
it's not the three of us. Ever since competition days. She texted me to
have one of our TGIFs soon, because she misses us. I miss us too,
but us in another setting. Our conversation these days seems guarded,
I couldn't feel the connection anymore. Sometimes it makes me dread
having a dinner together because as much as i still love the company,
I couldn't help but compare how different it is now than it was then.
And going home feeling empty all over again is too draining.

But i'm not ready to let everything go.

A-levels results are coming out soon, and i'm excited. 3 working days later
and i'll be in front of the computer applying for local uni again. Whatever it is,
wherever i'm posted to, i wonder who my new friends will be. Will they be as
friendly and welcoming as my 31/06ers. Will i be as comfortable with them
as i was with Hakimah, Fifa, Nashirah, Simar etc. I secretly wish Wardah and I will
be posted to the same school. Because J1 with her was a blast. Silly antics
and we still havn't grown out of it. Love notes throughout the day and
dinner after school at eateries that make ppl think we have all the money in
the world. That, excluding the fact that we're probably sworn shopaholic-sisters
aaanndd Starbucks-fanatics.

I hope for the best for that girl this Friday.

And for Asri too, maybe this time your studying without me will be more fruitful.
Haha.. Omg, we spent almost EVERYDAY at that Macs near my house ah.
Then when we got too stressed, we made funny faces at each other,
which was probably why we got easily distracted and got the same grades.
This time it must be better ok!

6months to go and i'm getting depressed.
The last count i did, we still had like, 9 months?
Time flies when we're having fun.
How to say 3goodbyes over a span of 3yrs, with each lasting abt 9months,
and each being harder than the previous.
Who will be the one i tell every detail of my day, just because i love doing so.
Love is when you want to spend every single moment with your partner,
but does it fade just because we wouldn't be able to.

Last night the gravity of the situation fell upon me.

It felt like the time you first told me about it, and i was on a bus ride home
from work crying my eyeballs out but you were on another island.
How cruel it is that despite all this, i know i have to put on a smile
and send you off on a happy note, because there is where your future lies
and i'll be damned if i were to destroy that.

When everything is just so down, we can only keep hoping.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:18:58 GMT

i know i am dead to you

Mind of a Fickler

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:57:29 GMT

I sit here waiting for the clock to strike midnight and awaiting for the bf call after he plays a game of soccer.
And i plan my subsequent step of action that follows the numerous ones that have left me in a
muddled crossroad at which a decision HAS to be made but i can't because even at now,
i've already seen the imminent obstacles that i'm afraid i'm incapable of overcoming.

Sooo... What have i got here?

Sent out the reply slip for my SIM diploma course. The ONLY acceptance letter that i have
EVER gotten, aaaand i rejected it. HAHAHA. Fatin said, WHYYY isn't that what you've always wanted to do?

Truth is, 'what i have always wanted to do' list
consists many cross-outs and rewritten items.

Teacher/Lawyer/Business woman et cetera, you name it.
I probably have pictured myself being one at one point of time or another.

And yet, i still don't know which one i feel most comfortable to 'be'.
Plus, why limit the dreams when they are the reason as to why we
go through so much hardship for.

For now, i will re-apply to all the unis again with the new batch of A-level holders.
See where i can get from there. And decide again what is my next course of action.
I will be more prepared should they deem i'm not worthy of studying in their instituition.
Because i am, and i will die-die prove it to them.

Chehhh.

Gosh, sometimes i'm so fickle.
Other times i was so sure THAT was my destiny.. =x

to be loved by you

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:22:29 GMT

Yesterday was a day well-spent. Every moment of it was sextasy.
In these times of absolute uncertainty, when i feel that i'm just
blindly stabbing in the dark wishing that i would get hold of something,

Thank you for being the only constant in my life.

The world can be so cruel, and at times i retaliate the same way.
Because it makes me feel better, to let them feel the way
they made me feel.
Or just to let off some angsty steam. And live behind
a shadow of temporary bout of insanity.

One thing i learned from you is that

Love never runs out of forgiveness.

At the end of the day, you'll give me the hug
which makes me feel so important and treasured.

Nothing else really matters,
as long as i have you by my side.

And the video is the one of the sweetest things
that you've done for me. So much so that i'm not sad
we you chose not to celebrate Val's this yr =p

ghost of the past, present and future.

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 18:07:05 GMT

If previously the only time i worry about my weight is when
the semester is about to start and the P.E teacher will have a
height&weight session, now it's been constantly bugging me.

This thing is like a rag doll; old and tattered, yet still has the
power to torment me, telling me i have not lost enough.

Get it out of my face.

Dear Tyra,
Your 'So What' campaign has helped me feel a little bit better,
but damn, neither you nor Oprah can change the mindset of everyone else
to let the inner beauty shine. Every time she thinks she's comfortable in
her own skin, there they go again, ridiculing the baby elephant. The poor baby
elephant cannot do anything else, despite everything she's tried.
She can't make herself look as sexy as a stallion, because they
were both born with different body types, weren't they?

Baby elephant wish people would look at her and see how good
she looks in grey skin with a slight pink hue. Or her mighty
trunk that is strong enough to carry huge loads.
But no, people see her grey skin is rough and her trunk is just too short.

Imperfect and flawed.
If i am, then so are you.